


the prayer of going nowhere

by helloearthlings



Series: Everybody Plays Along [2]
Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Alternate Universe - Hunger Games Setting, Angst, Dystopia, Fluff and Angst, Hunger Games, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 11:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15629337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helloearthlings/pseuds/helloearthlings
Summary: “Hey, it’s over now,” Sammy says, finally opening his eyes. Even in the half-light of the dark apartment, he can tell how strung out Jack is right now. He could feel it in the tenseness of his shoulders, but it’s worse when Sammy can see Jack’s translucent skin matched with purple bags under his eyes. He reaches a hand up to run down Jack’s cheek, and Jack closes his eyes at the touch. “It’s over now and you don’t have to think about it anymore.”“It’ll just happen with another girl next week,” Jack mutters, mouth twisting unpleasantly. “I’m sure Gunderson will send his marching orders soon.”Sammy leans backwards, pulls Jack’s head onto his chest. Jack is a little reticent at first, but soon molds around Sammy, safe and secure like he’s been there all night, like the two of them have always been here all their lives.Sammy wishes this was their bed, not his, but it’s too much to think about.





	the prayer of going nowhere

**Author's Note:**

> @DrowningInStarlight, literally as soon as you asked about doing a HG timestamp, I had my own idea/motivation for one, which I guess is how the world works?? Anyway, I'm sorry if I'm stepping on YOUR toes here!! But everyone else, DrowningInStarlight is gonna write something in this 'verse and I'm sure it'll be awesome, so go check that out when it's published!!
> 
> Anyway, this is set like a year before Sammy meets Ben in the main fic. Hopefully it makes sense, I added some stuff in when I was editing it to add to the angst and drama, lol. Thanks for reading, hope you like it!!

Sammy’s half-asleep, drifting somewhere between dreaming and not, his thoughts running together without the kind of self-consciousness that he has when he’s awake. He isn’t quite sure if he’s imagining that the light outside his bedroom door is on or the sound of keys jangling, but he definitely isn’t responding to it.

Even when he hears the door to his bedroom open and he knows he’s not dreaming, he doesn’t move, his body hasn’t quite caught up with his brain yet.

It’s only when a warm body slides around him, pressing itself against Sammy’s back and Jack kisses the spot where Sammy’s hair meets the back of his neck that Sammy turns into Jack, hugging him hello.

He’d been too cold to sleep properly anyway.

“Hey,” Sammy says, voice addled with sleep, still not opening his eyes. Instead he chooses to bury his head in Jack’s neck and breathe him in. “Thought you had an – appointment tonight.”

 _Appointment_ is Sammy’s word for what Jack has to do when he’s not with him. _Hell_ is Jack’s word for it, though Sammy encourages him not to use that word in public.

Jack’s quiet for a moment, and Sammy thinks about opening his eyes but doesn’t. When Jack speaks, his voice is measured, but his hands curl in Sammy’s shirt tightly.

“Left early,” Jack says. “What can I say? I’m the love ‘em and leave ‘em type. No reason I have to stay the night.”

Sammy sighs, kissing Jack’s jaw lightly as a way to apologize for what was out of both of their control. Jack shudders into the kiss and Sammy presses them tighter together.

Sammy doesn’t ask how it was – Jack will tell him eventually, and it’ll be the same as it always is.

“Her name was Lisa,” Jack says after another moment. “Hairdresser. Talked to her for an hour at the party before we –”

“Hey, it’s over now,” Sammy says, finally opening his eyes. Even in the half-light of the dark apartment, he can tell how strung out Jack is right now. He could feel it in the tenseness of his shoulders, but it’s worse when Sammy can see Jack’s translucent skin matched with purple bags under his eyes. He reaches a hand up to run down Jack’s cheek, and Jack closes his eyes at the touch. “It’s over now and you don’t have to think about it anymore.”

“It’ll just happen with another girl next week,” Jack mutters, mouth twisting unpleasantly. “I’m sure Gunderson will send his marching orders soon.”

Sammy leans backwards, pulls Jack’s head onto his chest. Jack is a little reticent at first, but soon molds around Sammy, safe and secure like he’s been there all night, like the two of them have always been here all their lives.

Sammy wishes this was _their_ bed, not his, but it’s too much to think about.

“It’s okay,” Sammy’s eyes close again. Jack being here, nice and warm and solid, is enough to get him to sleep with ease. “You know it doesn’t matter to me.”

“I wish it did sometimes,” Jack says with a harsh bite, and Sammy opens his eyes to blink at Jack, who’s grip on him has gotten tighter. “I wish you were jealous and angry and told me I had to stop.”

“It’s not your decision,” Sammy says. They’ve had this discussion before, in less clear terms. “I just want you safe, Jack. Of course I wish you weren’t – with those girls – but if it’s the only way you don’t get the wrong kind of attention, I’d rather you slept with everyone in the Capitol.”

“Feels like I’ve slept with everyone in the Capitol sometimes,” Jack mutters, but some of the tenseness is going out of his shoulders, and Sammy will turn him around so he can give him a backrub when he’s feeling a little more awake.

“Well, not every girl – no one’s ever gonna make you sleep with Lily,” Sammy says, trying for joking, hoping that Jack will relax. Jack huffs a breath through his nose, so it’s a start.

“Wouldn’t put it past them,” Jack says, his eye roll not visible to Sammy right now but easily audible in his voice. “Though apparently Judd Gunderson is a very big fan of my big sister, wants to recruit her for some special project. Lily’s thinking about taking him up on an offer, if only to make her life more interesting. They don’t like letting her out in public right now.”

Sammy’s grip on Jack tightens. Lily used to be a good spokesperson, back when she was young, but she’d gotten more vocal and angry since then, and was liable to do a few things the Capitol disapproved of, like express her own opinion in a public place.

“It might help to go along with what Gunderson wants out of her,” Sammy says quietly, “so that she doesn’t get hurt.”

Jack’s hand curls in Sammy’s shirtsleeve, a little too tight for comfort, but it’s Jack, Sammy will take Jack being close to him in whatever way. “Go along with the rules. Go along with the rules and no one gets hurt. Doesn’t matter if I have to fucking leave you every night for some –”

“You come back to me, that’s all that matters,” Sammy says, nudging Jack, trying to grin at him and show him that this was all fine, that it would never be good but it was going to be as okay as it could be. Their normal couldn’t look like anyone else’s, but it could be theirs.

And, since he’s already worried about Lily, there was something else he could worry about, too. “Are you sure no one noticed –?”

“I was discreet,” Jack half-yawns, obviously leaving the topic of safety behind as he snuggles closer to Sammy. Sammy can’t get enough of the warmth, so he lets it go. “It’s late anyway – no one saw me come in.”

They can do this with practiced ease, get into each other’s apartments at the right times – no patrols, no one on duty, when the neighborhoods won’t be watching. They know the Capitol’s time after years of living on it, and years of learning how coordinate around it.

 “And the girl won’t care? Lisa?” Sammy asks, and Jack shakes his head.

“Strung out on drugs. She offered me some after we –” Jack shudders and Sammy shushes him. He doesn’t think sleeping with women is necessarily traumatic for Jack, even though he certainly doesn’t enjoy it, but it gives him some awful guilt. Sammy doesn’t always understand it, because he means what he said, he doesn’t care what Jack does to survive as long as he comes home when he can.

But that doesn’t stop Jack from carrying that guilt with him wherever he goes.

“I need to get out of here,” Jack whispers after a few moments of silence, and Sammy hums, disappointed but not surprised. Sometimes Jack gets too big for his own skin. Jack can get away with a trip to Four every once in a while to get it out of his system. Sammy couldn’t go with him, but Jack could get out of the Capitol.

Only for a few days, though. Sammy could leave for half the year if he wanted, go back to Five. He could be a sleazy scumbag no matter where he was, but Jack could only be a suave ladies’ man in Capitol. They each had their roles to fill, and Sammy would rather be in the Capitol with Jack than in Five without him.

“I’m sure you can get permission to go to Four,” Sammy says, and Jack’s muscles tighten. “Might be good for us to be under the radar for a few days, anyway, get a little distance just in case there are… watchful eyes.”

Jack curses under his breath as he squeezes Sammy tightly, and Sammy wishes he could help somehow, but Jack just gets like this. Restless and angry and wanting _more_ and Sammy wishes he could have that, that _they_ could have that, but they can’t have anything unless they put their continued survival first.

“I don’t want to fucking go to Four without you,” Jack says tightly. “I want to get the hell out of here.”

“I know,” Sammy sighs, because there’s nothing else to say. He knows Jack wants more out of his life. Sammy wants more, too. But there isn’t any kind of life other than this – it’s this or death. A hangman’s noose. A top-speed train. A mind-destroying operation.

Sammy will take a half-life with Jack.

“What would we do?” Jack asks suddenly, shifting to look at Sammy, his eyes genuine and affectionate and so, so tired. “If the world was – was _different,_ if we didn’t have to live like this – what do you think we’d do?”

Sammy’s heart pangs painfully at the mention of even a possibility of another life, and tears prick at his eyes. He has to breathe before he can even begin to answer. He wishes Jack wouldn’t hope so much. Hope hurts so badly.

“I’d kiss you on a street corner,” Sammy whispers, the words barely audible even to him. “What would you do?”

Jack’s silent, and Sammy thinks he isn’t going to answer, that the silence is Jack’s answer, that it’s too much to even begin to give voice.

But then Jack says, a laugh under his words as if he can’t quite believe he’s saying them “I’d ask you to marry me.”

“Jack,” Sammy whispers, barely able to breathe at the thought. It felt like someone was driving a hot poker into his head because as beautiful as that idea was – God, Jack with a ring, Jack on one knee, Jack optimistic and hopeful and perfect – it would never be real. “I’d say yes.”

Jack’s hands grip Sammy’s hair as he leans up to kiss him and Sammy kisses back with his eyes closed. Jack tastes like bad perfume and stale fumes but Sammy loves kissing him all the same.

Nothing else is real when it’s just the two of them – Sammy wants to try to explain that to Jack, how these moments with him are worth all of the pain and heartache and knowing that he’ll never get to call Jack his husband – as long as there are still moments where they’re alone, where the rest of the world doesn’t exist and there’s no Capitol, no Hunger Games, no Shotgun Sammy. There’s just Jack. The world is as it should be then. All the pain is worth it then.

Sammy doesn’t know how to say it, tries to put the words into his kiss.

They don’t speak after that, it hurts too much every time Sammy opens his mouth, but Jack holds him through it and his warmth sends Sammy drifting again.

By the time he wakes up to the sun streaming through the one tiny, curtained window in Sammy’s bedroom, the warmth is gone, and Sammy assumes Jack has responsibilities elsewhere today. Though he wishes Jack would’ve woken him up to say goodbye, he also appreciates the late night visit because it meant that after Jack’s night out, all he wanted to do was be with Sammy in the aftermath.

But when Sammy stumbles out of the bedroom, he finds Jack sitting at in the kitchenette, pouring over a small black notebook. He jumps up when Sammy comes into the room, moves to kiss him good morning.

“What is that?” Sammy asks, gesturing toward the book and Jack flushes. Sammy doesn’t like the look of that.

“Some plans,” Jack says, evasive and Sammy blinks at him, waiting, because Jack can’t just leave him hanging like that. “I don’t want to be here forever, Sammy. I want to leave.”

“I know you do, but there’s no way –”

“There is a way,” Jack interrupts with a steely look in his eye. God, it’s impossible to argue with Jack. Sammy loves that about him even though it frustrates him to no end. “If the Capitol is overthrown.”

A sick feeling enters Sammy’s stomach. “Jack. Please don’t start a fight you can’t win. I know you’re brave enough to take on the whole world but – but –”

Sammy can’t even continue. _Jack’s_ his whole world, he can’t live without Jack. Jack keeps him going from one day to the next, what the fuck would life be worth without him?

“I’m not going to start a one-man revolution,” Jack says, affectionate, leaning over to push Sammy’s hair out of his face. “I’m just doing some research. On previous revolutions. What they did right. What they did wrong. And what the hell happened to District Thirteen.”

“As long as it’s just research,” Sammy says slowly. “Please don’t get yourself hurt, Jack. I wish things were different too – I wish we could really get engaged, get married. But I just want you here, that’s all that matters to me in the end.”

“I’m here,” Jack says, his voice solid, his smile genuine, his hand warm on top of Sammy’s. “I’m not leaving, okay? I just – I just want to live in a world where I never have to leave you again.”

Sammy tries to something about how Jack’s _not_ leaving him when he goes to his Gamemaker-enforced parties and back to Capitol girls’ apartments. When he does that he’s making sure that he can come _back_ to Sammy, he’s making sure that nothing will prevent him from coming home.

He’s said things like that before though, and he knows Jack doesn’t feel the same, that every time he goes out the door Jack feels like he’s leaving forever – and Sammy appreciates the sentiment, loves him for it, but just wishes Jack had a few more ounces of self-preservation.

Sammy kisses Jack’s forehead, holds Jack against him quietly for a moment, just breathing, and hopes he gets the message across through that. Sammy’s never been good with his words, not when they have to mean something. Shotgun Sammy can talk shit all day long, but Sammy Stevens gets choked up every time he tells Jack how much he loves him which is more than he can ever articulate.

“Just stay with me,” Sammy says, somewhat brokenly. “Just stay.”

“Always,” Jack promises, standing up to more properly hug him, and he’s warm and present and wonderful and Sammy wishes the moment would never end.

“Sammy?” Jack asks, half-muffled into his shoulder and Sammy hums. “If I –if I got you a ring. Like an engagement ring. Would you wear it? It – it wouldn’t have to be on your left finger. Any finger. Or you could just keep a chain around neck. I just – I want to marry you so badly, I want us to promise to marry each other even if it never happens. Would you? Please?”

“Jack,” Sammy squeezes him impossibly tighter, and for once, he doesn’t think about how suspicious something will be to the powers that be, because he wants that, he wants that ring so goddamn badly, he wants to promise Jack everything. “ _Please_.”

Jack leans in to kiss him, and Sammy’s so caught up in the feeling of euphoria that though he hears the keys turning in the lock, he doesn’t spring apart from Jack until the door is opening.

“Fuck,” Sammy curses, staring at Jack, who’s absolutely wide-eyed with all the color drained from his face.

Lily’s on the other side of the door, holding the key Sammy gave her years and years ago, looking equally as pale as her brother and fourteen times as angry.

She lets the door slam behind her, staring at them with bloodless eyes and an expressionless face.

“You two,” she starts, her voice dangerously low, “are going to get yourselves murdered.”

“Not if you don’t say anything,” Jack recovers first, his own mouth going into a hard line as he stares down his sister.

Sammy had thought about telling Lily about the two of them – she could help them if their situation got particularly dangerous or difficult. But Jack didn’t want, Jack said Lily would never understand.

From the look on her face, it seems like Jack knows his sister better than Sammy.

“I can’t not say anything,” Lily says, and Jack starts to bit back but Lily cuts him off. “Judd Gunderson has asked me to be his apprentice.”

Whatever color was left in Lily’s face is gone. She’s practically shaking. “I have to undergo extreme vetting for this, and if I don’t take his fucking offer, they’ll find a creative accident for me to die in. Do you know what will happen to me if they find even a slight indication that I’m lying to them? About anything?”

Sammy’s stomach coils in his chest.

“This puts me in a lot of fucking danger,” Lily says. “ _All of us_ in a lot of fucking danger. Sammy, get the fuck out of the Capitol right now.”

“No,” Sammy says, the firmness of his voice surprising himself, and Jack turns to look at him with guarded but terrified eyes. “No, I won’t leave. There’s no guarantee Gunderson will ask you about us in any way.”

“The two of you aren’t going to be discreet,” Lily says with tightness in her voice. “This can’t have been going on for long if this is only the first time I’ve seen you together –”

“Five years now,” Jack interrupts, staring Lily down, who blinks a couple of times before schooling her expression. “We can be fucking discreet. I’ll go to more parties next week and put some real effort into fucking any woman with a connection to Gunderson so she can tell him how enthusiastic I was when he inevitably checks up on me.”

Sammy’s heart hurts at the look of determination on Jack’s face – God, that’s what Jack hates more than anything and he’s willing to do it to keep them safe.

“The best course of action is for Sammy to leave the Capitol and for you two to never see each other again,” Lily says, her eyes flashing. “If I lie about the two of you and get caught, I’m strung up on a noose. If I tell the truth, you’re both better off dead than whatever they’d do to you.”

“You won’t tell the truth,” Jack says with a raised eyebrow like a challenge.

Lily’s face muscles twitch. “No. I won’t. And for that, the two of you better get the hell away from each other. If I’m risking my life for you, it better be worth it.”

“We’re all constantly fucking risking our lives just by _being_ here,” Jack says, his voice very much not leaving anger behind. He turns back to Sammy with a glint in his eye. “We’ve got to get out of here.”

“Jack –” Sammy starts, miserable, knowing that Jack needs this, knowing that _Sammy_ needs this too, but knowing just as well that Gunderson would put a stop to them, and maybe even with Lily’s help.

“I can’t believe you,” Lily practically snarls. “Here’s your key, Stevens. I came here to tell you that Gunderson is going to want a Shotgun Sammy appearance at the banquet he’s throwing next week and you better prepare yourself.”

She throws Sammy’s key to him, a clear sign that she won’t be coming back. Sammy catches it with a grimace.

“Go back to Five if you know what’s good for you,” Lily informs Sammy before turning to her brother. “Jack – don’t fucking talk to me until you get your head screwed on straight and you’ve screwed another six of Gunderson’s favorite girls. Take a leaf out of Shotgun Sammy’s book for a while and be the worst possible version of yourself. Maybe then there won’t be any suspicion.”

She marches from the apartment, slamming the door closed behind her.

“I’m not going,” Sammy says just as Jack says “Please don’t –”

They break off, and Sammy tries to smile at Jack, really tries, but he knows it falls flat. Jack doesn’t come towards him even though he clearly wants to.

“Maybe a couple weeks,” Jack says slowly, screwing his eyes shut tightly with a long sigh. “You should spend a couple weeks in Five to get Lily off of our cases. You’re right – there’s no guarantee Gunderson will ask her anything about us.”

It’s wishful thinking, Sammy knows. Gunderson always covers his bases.

“Okay,” Sammy says quietly, knowing it’s the best compromise. “I’ll go to Five and be back in a couple weeks’ time. Hopefully by then Lily will have gone through her vetting process.”

“Fuck, what does Gunderson want with her?” Jack says, his voice tight. “Hasn’t she been through enough with him?”

“The same as he wants from everyone,” Sammy sighs, his head suddenly throbbing. “Perfect control of her. On her own, she’s uncontrollable. With him, all day every day…”

Sammy shudders. He’d rather die than be Gunderson’s apprentice, and even in the enormity of their plight, feels a pang of sympathy for Lily.

“I won’t give you up,” Jack says, quickly, like he needs to say it as fast as he can, make sure Sammy knows it. “I want to keep Lily safe, and I don’t want us to – but I don’t care if it’s the safest option. I won’t leave you. I’d rather die than be without you.”

“Me too,” Sammy says, small but real, because being alive and being with Jack are two simultaneous occurrences and he can’t have one without the other. “God, Jack –”

“I’m going to find Thirteen,” Jack says, a tight expression on his face, and for once, Sammy can’t argue with him. “I’m going to find out where District Thirteen is so we can get the hell out of here.”

Sammy can’t argue anymore. There’s suddenly a ticking clock that Sammy can feel in his chest, like they’re slowly but steadily running out of time. The dread has settled into Sammy’s bones, and Jack’s voice sounds so determined, and Sammy’s always believed Jack could do anything he set his mind to.

“Okay,” Sammy says, because he can’t do anything else. “Okay – look. Find us a way out.”

Jack almost smiles, reaches across the table between them for Sammy’s hand.

Sammy takes it, but not before striding across the room to lock the door and reminding himself that no one else has a key – though Gunderson could certainly find one if he so desired.

“I still want to get you a ring,” Jack says, a set in his shoulders like he won’t take no for an answer this time. “I know it’s not discreet but – you don’t have to wear it. I just want you to have it. I want us to make that promise even though we have all of this shit around us, I want us to promise that we’re going to get out of it.”

Sammy pulls Jack up out of his chair, toward his bedroom, and locks the door behind them before he presses his lips to Jack’s in a chaste kiss. It only lasts half a second – Sammy’s too scared of anything else.

“I love you,” Sammy tells him, and wonders if it’s enough.

When he gets back to the Capitol three and a half weeks later, he and Jack see each other and four different Capitol parties of acting more like Shotgun than Sammy before he finally thinks it’s been enough time to sneak into Jack’s apartment and wait for Jack to get back from whatever girl he’d been with tonight.

There’s a ring waiting on Jack’s beside table with a note that says _til death do us part_ , by no means the perfect proposal, but the proposal they’re getting for now.

Jack comes back in the early hours of the morning, tells Sammy he’s sorry and kisses him for hours, waiting until the sun comes up for Sammy to sneak back out. They won’t see each other for another two weeks, but Sammy wears the ring around his neck as a reminder that they will again, they’ll see each other soon.

It’s enough to survive on but for the first time, clutching the ring under his shirt and thinking about Jack’s notebook and research, Sammy thinks that maybe he’s hopeful for more.


End file.
